It's been awhile...

As I write this, I know I am avoiding something bigger than me. Something that I can't handle. My mind is racing on how much harder it will be if I continue to ignore the state of my soul. I realize it won't be easier to avoid it...I won't even reap the temporary benefits of pretending everything is okay. So, I'll pray. I'll confess that I am weak and can do nothing without the Lord. Will I feel better? Maybe. But it's not really about me. I'm sick of being the one standing in the way of the Lord using me. He CHOSE me. He'll save me. He has before. He will again. How is He so good?

Looking For Wisdom?

Yeah, so that title up there was just a ploy to get you here. It worked though, didn't it?
So many thoughts can go through one's mind over a period of one minute...not to mention hours, days, and weeks. So, I ask myself, what should I ponder to you, the reader? Perhaps something going on in my life? Well, maybe. But we are all pretty self-inclined; After all, there are millions (dare I say billions) of blogs focusing on the self. Whatever I post will likely have little impact on your life - even in writing now, I know that this will only be successful if it even impacts a MOMENT in your life. If I say something that has you react with an, "Oh cool" or a "Huh." "Huh" in this context is more of a "hmm...how interesting. I think I'll read that again" you just say 'huh' because it's quicker.
Having now disqualified my blog from your 'list of blogs to read' (I say this because I, too, have this list) I will say some OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS or just a list of things I find factual.

1) I capitalized obvious and observation in the previous sentence because I was rash in my assumptions in being able to find a correlation and root in the two words. Oh well.
2) #1 isn't obvious. Double oh well.
3) I miss Christina Kubala.
4) I'm not as good as Linguistics as I let myself think I am.
5) Sometimes simple observations are motivating.
6) It is significantly easier to see the bad, hurt, pain, darkness, struggle in everything before the joy, happiness, love, peace, grace. I hope I always see the good first.
7) My life feels weird. It feels like I'm someone else, like i'm having to learn to navigate someone else's mind and thoughts and feelings. It's proving to be pretty hard.
8) I miss free (and carefree) time hanging out with Callie. It's like we've been friends since elementary but since we're growing up we're being robbed of our play time that is so essential to a relationship.
9) If given the opportunity, I would force my sister Katie to move to Seattle or Portland with me. I miss the times we used to see each other constantly.
10) I become really upset when I see God portrayed on TV
11) TV is really scary and a time warp in itself.
12) I miss my guy friends. A lot.
13) Elise Petrosky is really talented.
14) Lists have become addicting, and the preferred way to comment, thanks to Kubala
15) I have an amazing on-campus job. seriously.
16) I keep continuing this list because I don't like ending them on any number thus far
17) My mom is in town. And I love her. And I wish my Dad were here, too.
18) I really REALLY like the guitar
19) I want to dress someone up and do a photo shoot.
20) I want to share more than I do. I think not sharing is probably a sign of attachment to worldly things
21) is a pretty good number to end on.

Lovingly...

What God Keeps Doing

Psalm 34

1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

8 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
9 Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
10 The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

11 Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
21 Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

long-johns for short-emilys

On a wintry evening such as this one, I find myself facing the biggest (and first) snow-covered mountain I've ever seen. What a lovely time to do something creative. To draw. To think. To write. To be the type of person I've always been envious of. Nevertheless, today in Colorado I choose prayer. Something that has been far too foreign to me for too long. I sit, surrounded by friends, a fire, a dream. But reality is close, too. The TV screams statistics and publicized sin. Right when I think I want to check-out of reality, I remember my calling to live in the world, but  NOT be of it. Fortunately, God is both my dream and reality. Unfathomable and yet known and cherished by my heart. Even better, He knows my heart and its desires. EVEN BEST, he is in control when I trust Him - and intends to fulfill the desires that I don't even intend on desiring. Thanks, Lord.

So THIS is the new year?

...and i don't feel any different.

Where did all of the time go? I feel as if I've yet to celebrate Christmas, and I find myself being propelled forward into a new year. I have yet to make heads or tails of 2008. People are making resolutions - some knowing that they're bound to be broken, others promising to lose that weight, spend less, or (as I've over-heard many Christians say) read the Bible daily. Where do I fit into this? All I can see when I turn around is yesterday, and if I squint hard I'm convinced I can see tomorrow. But the tomorrow I see is one that I've created for myself.
So here I am alone in my room, letting Sufjan swirl in and out of my entire body, debating with myself on whether or not I should make myself a promise I foresee abandoning all intentionallity toward. I suppose I will. After all, I want to be able to look behind me and see more than just yesterday. I want to see a God-fearing woman that trusts the Lord, a woman that is a child of the Lord and a lover and best friend of Christ. So greatly I want this. Or, at least I want to want it.